Validating communication who is common dating now 2016

On the other hand, it’s extremely powerful when you allow your spouse to experience his or her true feelings and validate his or her emotions. One spouse’s validating attitude confirms that the other spouse has a right to feel the way he or she does.

Remember, you can validate your spouse’s point of view while still possessing a different viewpoint.

Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s internal experience as being valid.

Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, debate, minimize, demean, judge or try to fix someone’s emotions. When I first read through these invalidating statements, I cringed as I realized how many of the phrases I had used with my own loved ones — especially my wife, Erin.

Counselors use the expression “gaslighting” to describe efforts to gradually manipulate someone into doubting his or her own reality or to trick a person into believing he or she is insane. Sadly, I’m sure I’ve sent the message to Erin that not only were her feelings wrong, but there was something wrong with her.

When I say, “Erin, I really understand that you are hurting, that this has wounded you,” I am not necessarily saying, “Erin, I agree with you, and I was wrong.” Rather, I am saying, “I could tell that this really hurt you, and your feelings mean the world to me. ” It’s also important that you verbally communicate that you are with your spouse — on the same page and on the same team.

The more you listen to and validate your spouse’s thoughts and feelings, the more connected you will feel.

This can be difficult for me, because Erin’s emotions or perspectives often push my buttons.

I get defensive or go into fix-it mode so quickly that it keeps me from validating her.

Self-validation is the recognition and acknowledgement of your own internal experience. Humans have a need to belong and feeling accepted is calming.

Validation does not mean agreeing with or supporting feelings or thoughts. You can validate someone you don’t like even though you probably wouldn’t want to. Acceptance means acknowledging the value of yourself and fellow human beings.

Don’t forget, validation says, “You matter to me, regardless of whether I agree with your perspective or whether your feelings make sense to me.” When you disagree with the facts or opinions that your spouse is sharing, the key is to focus on his or her feelings. This gets us nowhere fast, and we both walk away feeling disconnected. To understand your spouse’s emotions, try using phrases like: • “That sounds frustrating/discouraging/like it would really hurt.” • “That must have been scary.” • “How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0 to 10)? ” • “It sounds like you are really feeling __.” • “How else did you feel? ” This kind of questioning helps validate your spouse’s feelings.

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